Only You

A bit earlier I laid a treasure down in a crib and he smiled at me. Smiled at me and then drifted off to sleep without so much as a whimper. I am blessed. I thought how easy this baby fits into the family. He sleeps, eats, and laughs well. This is a reminder of how the Father loves me... this gift He gave us, long prayed for. I remember the tears I wept when I held him the first time, a boy.

My gift from God.

Then the flurry of the early morning, hot coffee neglected and cooling on the counter. Scrambled eggs and messy faces. "Brush your teeeeeeth!" and breakfast dishes. The familiar tug of a constant temptation.

I struggle with the lure of mindless entertainment. When I want to relax, unwind, or when I am trying to escape into someone else's story because I am running from my own. Many moments it replaces important duties. More often than I like to admit to myself. It has confused me. I wrestle. I refuse to submit. Why me? Why can others can do this in freedom, but my conscience condemns me?

I have tried strength. (my own.)

I have tried fences. (my husband)

I have tried guilt.

I have tried condemnation.

I have grasped at Grace.

I have wept over my inability.

I have made excuses.

I have justified my actions to myself.

I have grieved my husband.

I have neglected my children.

When I am ensnared - I snarl at the ones I love most.

The times I rely on God, I experience His joy and the freedom makes me dizzy.

I have asked Him for a miraculous rescue. A supernatural change. But that has not been His way with this thing. This pull towards the emptiness of stories told with music and dramatic flair. I want it. I enjoy it. I don't want to give it up. I have a long list of very good reasons why I should give it up. I know of better ways to spend my time.

This morning I realized. He asks it of me. A gift.

Give it up for Me. No law about it but He asks it. Of me. Of no one else. This from me. For my good, for His glory.

And so it comes down to Love, and how can I say 'No'?

My gift for God.